Story Time | Satan Bugs

 ^^this is obviously a dragon fly, but its the only picture i have of a bug. 

so there i was, sitting on the toilet...

has anyone else noticed that a lot of my stories have something to do with peeing? just me? okay then.

anyway, i'll back up a little. i live in a pretty old house. no idea when it was made, but the floor creaks and it has an old house smell. kind of stale and musty. i love it though, give me old must any day! thats why i love thrifting!

okay back on topic. i live in an old house. so we have the occasional bug/spider running around and i have no problem killing them. if the spider is really big, a foul word might come out of my mouth at the heart stopping second before i kill it. ehem. might. but i do kill them! not a problem, just put on my big girl pants and kill the bug. i got it. who needs a man?!

oh wait.

so i am a bug killer. except for cave crickets. i don't know what the actual name for these demon bugs is, but here we call them cave crickets. they look like a spider and a grasshopper and the devil all rolled into one terrifyingly huge bug. they can hop so. freaking. high. in the air and whenever i see one it literally makes me panic.

like climbing the walls to get away from it or throwing every book on my shelf trying to kill it. there is a lot a screaming and yelling and bringing the wrath of God upon it. all reason and rationality leaves me. i am terrified of those things.

ehem, so there i was, sitting on the toilet...

i had made a point to drink an entire water bottle in an hour because my throat was feeling scratchy so i don't think i have to tell you, this wasn't a five second pee. (too much information? sorry.) so there i am, emptying my little bladder when what do you know, something moves out of the corner of the bathroom.

it was like slow motion. i swung my head ever so slowly to the side to see what had moved. it sat there, in the middle of the floor.

looking at me.

i believe the words out of my mouth were, "dear Lord Jesus..." and thats where my prayer ended. i couldn't squeak out any other sound. my brain was screaming at me to pee faster!! and all i could do was sit there in crippled fear and stare it down hoping that whatever look on my face was intimidating enough to make that thing not jump at me.

me, in my helpless frozen position on the toilet. they are cruel i'm telling you what.

i started feeling that panic when it twitched its long antenna at me. i was fumbling on the counter with my hand while i kept eye contact with it.

my hand found a candle. i can do this. i kept saying to myself, (oh by the way i'm still peeing. it was a lot of water...) taking a deep breath and claiming the name of the Lord i reached out and slammed the candle down on it!

HA! i felt so triumphant until i realized the candle was upside down and instead of killing it i just kept it alive, trapped under something i'm never picking up.

and so public service announcement, if you come over to my house, don't pick up the candle in the middle of the rug in my bathroom.

i finished peeing by the way.