Story Time | Satan Bugs


 ^^this is obviously a dragon fly, but its the only picture i have of a bug. 

so there i was, sitting on the toilet...

has anyone else noticed that a lot of my stories have something to do with peeing? just me? okay then.

anyway, i'll back up a little. i live in a pretty old house. no idea when it was made, but the floor creaks and it has an old house smell. kind of stale and musty. i love it though, give me old must any day! thats why i love thrifting!

okay back on topic. i live in an old house. so we have the occasional bug/spider running around and i have no problem killing them. if the spider is really big, a foul word might come out of my mouth at the heart stopping second before i kill it. ehem. might. but i do kill them! not a problem, just put on my big girl pants and kill the bug. i got it. who needs a man?!

oh wait.

so i am a bug killer. except for cave crickets. i don't know what the actual name for these demon bugs is, but here we call them cave crickets. they look like a spider and a grasshopper and the devil all rolled into one terrifyingly huge bug. they can hop so. freaking. high. in the air and whenever i see one it literally makes me panic.

like climbing the walls to get away from it or throwing every book on my shelf trying to kill it. there is a lot a screaming and yelling and bringing the wrath of God upon it. all reason and rationality leaves me. i am terrified of those things.

ehem, so there i was, sitting on the toilet...

i had made a point to drink an entire water bottle in an hour because my throat was feeling scratchy so i don't think i have to tell you, this wasn't a five second pee. (too much information? sorry.) so there i am, emptying my little bladder when what do you know, something moves out of the corner of the bathroom.

it was like slow motion. i swung my head ever so slowly to the side to see what had moved. it sat there, in the middle of the floor.

looking at me.

i believe the words out of my mouth were, "dear Lord Jesus..." and thats where my prayer ended. i couldn't squeak out any other sound. my brain was screaming at me to pee faster!! and all i could do was sit there in crippled fear and stare it down hoping that whatever look on my face was intimidating enough to make that thing not jump at me.

me, in my helpless frozen position on the toilet. they are cruel i'm telling you what.

i started feeling that panic when it twitched its long antenna at me. i was fumbling on the counter with my hand while i kept eye contact with it.

my hand found a candle. i can do this. i kept saying to myself, (oh by the way i'm still peeing. it was a lot of water...) taking a deep breath and claiming the name of the Lord i reached out and slammed the candle down on it!

HA! i felt so triumphant until i realized the candle was upside down and instead of killing it i just kept it alive, trapped under something i'm never picking up.

and so public service announcement, if you come over to my house, don't pick up the candle in the middle of the rug in my bathroom.

i finished peeing by the way.


  1. Dude. Cave crickets ARE satan bugs!!! Being a Florida girl, I'm pretty accustomed to bugs. However. My husband and I rented a cabin in Gatlinburg for our anniversary last year and we got there and it was this huge amazing place....until we got to the master bedroom. After admiring the amazing jaccuzzi tub I happened to look up at the curtains and WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IS THAT?!?!?! At first it appeared to be a spider the size of a golf ball, but no....that's not quite a spider....WHAT THE WHAT IT JUMPS?! And then. As we were fleeing we realized they were EVERYWHERE in the lower level of the house. *shudder*

    Long story short, we stayed upstairs, and when we sent photographic evidence to the owner of his monster alien bug infestation, we got to stay for free. So, not counting the nightmares...I guess it worked out. Ugh.

  2. Also, that cute little bug you have in yuour picture is NOTHING like a cave cricket. Email me. I'll send you the real face of insect evil.

  3. Idk if I've ever seen one! But anything that jumps suddenly at you is horrible. We have wolf spiders here and I HATE them! One crawled across me in bed the other night. At least it didn't jump on my face?

  4. OH MY GOSH. girl, I get your fear. i do.

    (also..this story also made me laugh quite a bit. ;) )

  5. I'M CRYING. literally, tears streaming down my cheeks. i'm pretty sure you'd be the world's best story teller.
    the other day, i was pleasantly sitting in my chair when this HUGE spider comes crawling along my wall. i was planning to be all brave and kill it myself, but then it ran under my bed and there was no way i was going to crawl under there in the dark or let it live, so i called my little brother in. he moved my entire bed around till he found it and killed it. (i may or may not have payed him a quarter to find it #noshame #cheaplabor) i also told him i'd pay him a penny for every spider he killed in our basement, as long as he had proof of the body. yeah, that might not have been such a good idea because today he pretended to kill two spiders in the basement.. that he had caught outside. -_- unfortunately for him, he's a terrible liar and i read right through him. :P

  6. Haha this was lovely. I couldn't help but laugh a little. Bugs are a little creepy, aren't they?

    Naturally Jes